


Dancing on my own

by Shut_up_Heather3



Category: Six - Marlow/Moss
Genre: Gen, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:07:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27182200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shut_up_Heather3/pseuds/Shut_up_Heather3
Summary: Jane, who absolutely idolizes Catalina, is feeling jealous and neglected by her oblivious hero.
Relationships: Catherine of Aragon & Jane Seymour
Comments: 4
Kudos: 38





	Dancing on my own

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CynicalRainbows](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CynicalRainbows/gifts).



> Thank you a lot to the lovely @anythingbutwallflower on tumblr for reviewing/beta-reading it, and for being so, so helpful. <3  
> Based on a headcanon by @cynicalrainbows.

Jane Seymour understood just a few things in life. She knew that everyone would someday die, that she was bound to obey and serve a good, honest husband, and that life at court was not as great as people made it sound. But most important of all, she was sure of one thing: Catherine of Aragon was the one and only true queen of England.

She had heard stories and tales of the great Catalina de Aragón, the humble and loyal Spanish princess, for longer than she could recall.

When Jane had the honour of becoming her lady-in-waiting, her admiration only grew. Catherine was so much more than “humble and loyal”- she was strong, wise, and a true paragon of royalty. She was everything Jane wanted to be and more. They didn’t get to know each other, of course, not on a personal level at least. Jane idolized her from afar, while Catalina was too busy being the most important woman in England to notice the meek lady-in-waiting. Five centuries later, however, things changed and they all got another chance. All six of Henry VIII’s wives, revived to tell their stories. Jane had the opportunity to truly be close with her hero.

Everything was fine in the beginning, but Jane had failed several times in trying to be Catalina’s favorite- which, through a series of unfortunate events, led her to be sick, kneeling on the bathroom floor alone.

The cold toilet bowl against her hands was a nice grounding as Jane puked her guts out. The putrid smell and acidity burning her throat was so intense that she failed to notice the tears wetting her face for some time.

She had tried so, _so_ hard. She had tried being good - being the "bound to obey and serve" Jane. She had tried being bad, because any attention was better than no attention. A scolding would be better than her cold indifference. 

But some things were a simple, yet harsh truth: Catalina would never love her most. There it went weeks and weeks of attempting to win Catherine’s affection down the drain (quite literally).

Every queen had their own advantage; Kitty was cute, her youth and general naiveté would bring out Catalina’s maternal instincts. Jane had tried that, but apparently her refusal to do chores was not “adorable” or “bratty” like Kitty’s. When the youngest would be difficult and protest to do her chores, she'd get a slightly stern, long talk about the importance of shared responsibility. When Jane did it, she didn’t receive some strict motherly attention. Instead, she got a screaming match with Anne.

( _“Why in God's name didn’t you make dinner, Boleyn?!”_

_“Because Jane didn’t wash the dishes. I can’t make dinner without any dishes! And whenever I told her to do them, she said she wouldn’t until you were home.”_

_Jane, who was watching from afar, was now regretting her decision. It was not her fault, really - she had no way of knowing that Catalina had left the house to the doctor’s because of a migraine. She walked into the kitchen slowly, catching the attention of the two women and making the oldest take a breath to calm herself._

_“Jane, why didn’t you wash the dishes like you always do?”_

_The blonde hesitated to answer. Most of her wanted to apologize and give an excuse, but the damage was already done and all she could do was to go forward with the plan of behaving like Kitty._

_“Because I didn’t want to.” She tried to whine, stretching the ‘to’ and kicking the floor like Kitty always did._

_“Because you didn’t want to-” Catalina mumbled, lowering her head to pinch the bridge of her nose. She took another deep breath and turned to Anne. “Order take-out. I’ll pay.” Before she left the kitchen, she stopped in front of Jane with a pained expression - probably from her headache that the blonde had only made worse. “I don’t know why you're mad at me, and we can talk about it later, but please don’t drag the others into this weird vendetta you’re having against me.”_

Needless to say, it didn’t work.)

Catherine Parr had two advantages: the family bond and the formal education. Cathy was Catalina’s goddaughter and nothing could replace that. So, yes, Cathy had the privilege of cute nicknames like “mija” and “madrina”, but Jane didn’t really care- it was not like Cathy did anything to deserve it. So, since Jane couldn’t use the same (obvious) cheating that Cathy did, she tried the next best thing: the smart talk about books. The two women would spend hours discussing theories, modern science, economics, and anything that was too intellectual for the third queen to properly participate in. It was no secret that the blonde was the least literate among them. The first time she was given a chance to be a part of their discussion, she was far too intimidated by the long words and complicated concepts to even try.

( _“Lina!” Jane called, but soon felt uncomfortable with the word leaving her mouth. She had tried to get used to the nickname the others were using, but they could not be so disrespectful to the goddamn queen of England. “Catherine, would you like to knit with me again? I could teach you that complicated stitch that you asked about last time.”_

_“No, thank you, love. Cathy asked to spend some time with me today, but you’re more than welcome to join us.” Catalina didn’t turn around from the bookshelf as she spoke, and didn’t see Jane’s smile fade in disappointment as she awkwardly shifted her weight from one foot to another. Although Cathy, who was sitting on the nearest sofa, noted the action with a small frown._

_“Oh… of course, I’d love to. What are we going to do?”_

_“We’re going to read_ _Texts of Terror: Literary-Feminist Readings of Biblical Narrative_ s _. It’s like a book club between us and Anne. Here, you can take my copy.” Catherine handed her the book, turning back to sit next to her goddaughter, not noticing the way the younger’s eyes fell._

_“Oh…” Jane tried to control the sorrow in her voice- she didn’t want Catalina to take notice of her lack of literacy. It wasn’t only about the words themselves - she could read slowly if she focused enough - but also about the complicated subjects that they discussed. Catherine was a strong advocate for female education, and Jane imagined the judgement she would receive if the queen found out she couldn't even understand the title of the book properly. “N-no, it’s ok. Now that you mentioned Anne, I remembered that Anna and I are going to do some things… I shouldn't leave her waiting, but thank you for the invite.”_

_She left the room quickly, before Catalina could say anything about her sad eyes or shaky voice, praying they wouldn't catch her obvious lie._

_Days after the occurence, she took the book without them noticing and tried really hard to make sense of the phrases and their meanings. After a week, she had to admit it to herself that she just wasn’t smart enough._

_It was okay. She could try another thing, another day. Catalina_ would _notice her._ )

Anne Boleyn also had two things in her favor: the same sharp intellect as Cathy, although she used it to annoy Catherine more than to engage in cordial debates, and the past they shared. Said past was the reason for a lot of tension and screaming when they first came back, but they soon cried and talked until they had bonded. Catherine had many, many admirable qualities, and among them was a kind, forgiving heart. The eldest queen had forgiven Anne entirely - both for ruining her life, and for the poor treatment of her only daughter. Jane didn’t understand how the first queen could simply forget all the bad things Anne was responsible for, how she could not only coexist with the women who did all of that, but also have a genuine _friendship_ with her. 

Of course, Jane would never question her role model. If Catalina said they should be as kind as possible, then they should be as kind as possible.

Jane also had a past she could use in her favour. It wasn’t one with Catherine, unfortunately, but it was with Mary. Sure, Anna and Cathy also had that, but Jane was always eager to share stories of the princess if it would make Catalina happy. She would tell her about Mary’s interests in music and languages. More often than not, when they were nearby Anne, the blonde would talk about how sad and lonely Mary was during the second’s reign, casually reminding Catherine that she was technically the girl’s salvation. Jane didn’t do it with malicious intentions, not really. It was just that she achieved so much. She was so loyal to Catalina, even after the queen's death, helping to preserve her memory and taking care of her daughter. 

All she wanted was a little recognition from the woman she worshiped so much.

But it backfired. It always did.

( _The pair had just come back from church. Jane loved having this in common with Catalina, her Catholic upbringing being the sole thing to give her bonding time with the eldest since she was the only one willing to go to mass with her. As soon as they passed the front door, Anna ran to them, grabbing Catherine by the wrist with a worried expression and guiding them to the living room._

_“Thank God you’re home.”_

_Before either woman could ask what she meant, they saw Anne curled up in her cousin’s arms, Cathy giving her awkward pats on the back. Catalina immediately dropped her shopping bags and rushed to the women._

_“Anne? What’s wrong?” She bent her head, trying to see the second queen's face. When Anne finally looked up, her eyes were brimmed with tears and her nose ran, suggesting that she had been crying for a while._

_“I’m sorry,” she choked out._

_“What did you do now, Boleyn?” The eldest tried to laugh, thinking it was just another case of Anne breaking something in the house, but still worried that she would cry so much because of it._

_“I’m sorry for not taking care of her. I’m sorry for not making things easier. I’m so,_ so _sorry, please don’t hate me.” The words only made the brunette cry harder and Catalina’s face morphed into a startled expression when she realized what the woman was talking about._

_“Oh no, no, honey. We are over this, remember?” She tried taking Anne’s chin, but the woman looked down in shame. “Can you look at me, querida? Please?”_

_“I deserved to be executed.” The soft mumble was enough to make the others in the room gasp._

_“Babe, look at me!” She gently cupped Anne’s face. “I don’t blame you. We’ve talked about this before, remember? All those late nights and bottles of wine to help us forgive each other- we are fine. Please don’t ever repeat that you deserved such treatment… and why this all of the sudden? You know I don’t hold anything against you.”_

_“You and Jane are always talking about how Mary was miserable during my reign, and- and it wasn’t about what I did, but about what I didn’t do. I didn’t take care of her and I’m sorry.” The other queens could only understand about half of what Anne said through the sobbing, but it was enough for Catalina and Jane.The wave of guilt instantly hit them both._

_“Oh, dios mío, no. No, querida, I’d never blame you. I’m so, so sorry you felt this way for so long, honey. Jane didn’t mean anything by it.” The Spanish queen opened her arms, a silent invitation for comfort, which Anne accepted, throwing herself into the embrace. “How about we make a reading night, or even a movie night with one of those horrible, horrible scary movies you like so much? Just you and me?”_

_Anne got not only a night, but a full week of Catalina’s pampering, and Jane got a long talk about how they shouldn't discuss Mary anymore, even when it was just the two of them, as Catherine felt too guilty to properly enjoy it. She still talked about her daughter with Anna and Cathy, since it wasn’t in a time where Mary’s wounds were as fresh, it was just that talking about it with Jane specifically made her feel guilty, and she hoped that Jane would understand._

_Jane understood. Of course she did- she was bound to obey and serve. If Anne’s comfort stole the last thing she had to impress her idol, then she would cave in. She could find something else. She_ would _find something else… maybe._ )

Anna was reckless and her carefree mindset was her one thing that unleashed Catherine’s motherly nature. Anna didn’t need nurturing attention like the rest of them, but both would be satisfied with their roles when the oldest would stop the fourth queen from doing something stupid with a slighty stern advice. _That_ was when the problem started. That was what drove Jane to the pitiful situation she was in.

( _“Anna, for God’s sake, no!” Jane turned around from the dishes to see Anna entering the kitchen with numerous shopping bags and a snarky smile, unfazed by Catalina’s loud objection._

_“What?”_

_“Don’t ‘what?’ me! I know very well what those are.” She walked up to the fourth queen and took the bags from her, putting them on the table. “You bought so much junk food! Anna, you know these are super unhealthy and they always make you feel sick, so why do you keep eating so many of them?”_

_“It’s my day off.” Anna chuckled, not taking the scolding seriously._

_“Exactly. There would be no problem if you’d eat this as a dessert, but I know you’ll take advantage of the fact that we won’t be here to eat it as lunch and dinner as well.” Catalina was ready for the red queen’s lines of self-defense, but she sighed loudly when Anna just smiled and nodded at the accusation. “Querida, please promise me that you will at least eat dinner if I leave it for you. We don’t want you getting sick.”_

_Anna tried to look annoyed, but Jane could see the half smile she was trying to hide. The fourth queen liked to be taken care of once in a while, even if she pretended otherwise._

_“Fiiiiine.” The exaggerated moan made the oldest queen laugh and Jane observed as she messed Anna’s hair in an affectionate manner. “Jeez, you're such a mom today.”_

_“Well, if you can’t take care of yourself, I’ll have to do it for you!” was Catalina’s response as she put away the groceries, unaware of the blonde behind her, staring sadly at the floor._

_Was that it? Maybe Aragon didn’t take care of her just because it seemed like Jane didn’t need it. Maybe she thought Jane was too independent to be mothered. The third queen felt hope she hadn’t in weeks, both from knowing that Catalina didn’t consider her fragile like she did the others, and because she had found a solution to her problems. She only had to not take care of herself a little, then Catherine would do it for her, like she did for all of them._

_She could do this. She could be reckless too!_ )

She did it. She was irresponsible and careless, but it didn’t work. It _never_ worked.

All Jane wanted was Catherine’s attention. She wanted to be _loved._ Jane knew that they were supposed to be a family now, but that shouldn't mean Catalina would love e _very single one_ of them more than her! Part of her wanted to be back in court - yes, Henry could be rough and scary, but when Jane was obeying and serving he would at least _act_ like he loved her. She wasn’t able to lose herself in that dangerous thought, though, as another flood of bitter bile reached her throat. 

Right. That stupid plan and its consequences.

She tried doing as Anna had, replacing meals and snacks with sweets, hoping that Catalina would have the same protective reaction. She didn’t. 

When Jane had baked a tray of cookies for dinner the night prior, Anne and Kitty were quick to join her in replacing the meal with the sugary treats, which earned her a disapproving glare from Catalina and a “Jane, please don’t make this harder on me. I made dinner and now only half of us are going to eat it. Thanks a lot.”

She had swallowed her tears and tried again the next day, replacing both breakfast _and_ lunch with an ice cream cake and a chocolate bar. She ignored her upset stomach, just like Catalina had ignored her antics with a frown and a sigh.

That was it. That was the story that led to Jane Seymour pathetically throwing up and crying like a child, with her shirt still stained of ice cream. She only wanted to _show_ Catherine that she needed to be taken care of too. If she could make her just a little bit worried, then Catalina would _care_ about her. And Jane could finally-

“Oh my God, Jane! Are you ok?”

The blonde could hear more footsteps approaching, but she ignored Kitty’s question until she felt a hand circling her upper back.

“Honey, what are you feeling besides nausea? Are you in pain?” 

Catalina’s warm, soothing voice and so concerned eyes made the younger queen break down. With all the emotions overtaking her, Jane sobbed loudly.

“Oh, _shit_! It must really hurt!”

“What do we do?”

“Anna, call a doctor. Anne and Cathy, please look up what this pink vomiting means. Kitty, go look for the medicine we all used last time. I’m sure there’s some of it left.”

Jane closed her eyes, tight, at the humiliation, leaning her forehead against the toilet bowl, grateful that the others didn’t stay to witness her disgrace.

“Food coloring.”

“What was that, querida?” Jane bit her lip at the Spanish nickname - Catalina only used those when she was feeling nurturing, and she could not embarrass herself by crying more.

“The pink I’m vomiting. It’s food coloring from the strawberry ice cream I ate this morning.”

Catherine let out a loud sigh, but didn’t stop rubbing circles against Jane’s back.

“And why have you eaten so much sugar since yesterday, Jane? You don’t even like sweets.”

A long time passed, Jane trying to gain control of her rapid breathing and Catherine growing more and more concerned. But when the blonde did speak, it was loud and fast, like the words had jumped from her mouth.

“You don’t love me!” She finally made eye contact, and her face expressed her mix of anger and hurt. Catalina knew that look, she had worn it herself when Henry divorced her. It was the stare of one who had fought really hard, trying not to believe something, even after their head had accepted it as the cold, hard truth, their heart couldn’t help but feel angered by it. It was such a scary, lonely feeling. “You don’t love me, and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong! I-I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I can’t simply be enough! A-and I thought that if was young enough, or smart enough, or useful enough, or _stupid_ enough, you might actually care about me!”

Jane didn’t care about the screaming, or how she couldn’t even breathe properly between sentences, or even about Catalina’s _horrified_ expression as she realized Jane’s implications.

“Oh, no, carinõ. Please listen to me when I tell you that I love so, _so_ much. We are family.”

Jane couldn’t help but scoff bitterly at that. She wasn’t an idiot. She knew Catalina loved her. Catalina loved her just as she loved the other queens, but she didn’t love Jane the **most**. She didn’t love her the least or anything, but she didn’t love her the most- and, to Jane, that was just as painful as not being loved at all.

Catherine’s expression was full of pain and guilt as she seemed to read Jane’s thoughts. All of the times the blonde had tried to act like the others, all of the times she was difficult, and even though her worship from when they first came back had cooled down, Jane still admired and wanted to be near her so desperately, and Catalina failed her, taking all of her love for granted.

“Oh my, I’m so, _so_ , so sorry. I didn’t realize you were crying for help, mija-” 

That was what prompted Jane to launch herself into the eldest embrace. “Mija,” Jane repeated softly, having waited so long to hear it. Catalina hugged her tight, caressing her face softly. 

“I’m sorry I ignored you, honey. I just thought you were mad at me for some reason and was purposefully trying to set me off.” She let out a small chuckle when Jane shook her head strongly against her chest.

“I’m sorry. I would never be mad at you.”

“Well, I’m happy that wasn’t it, then.” Catalina's humorous tone faded as she thought about how quick Jane was forgiving her, _and apologizing_ . Not even thirty seconds ago, she was screaming about how worthless she felt,- about how worthless _Lina_ made her feel- but a soft tone and one ‘mija’ later, she was wrapped up in Catherine’s arms. A cute nickname was all it took. Suddenly, Jane’s song made so much more sense. The blonde really would take anything thrown at her from the people she loved, and she would always love them back, even if they didn’t deserve it. 

Catherine sighed. They had so much to discuss and work on, and it was better to start with the big things first. She removed the younger girl from her arms, feeling her heart ache when she received a wounded, confused look.

“We have to talk a bit first. I promise it’s nothing bad, but we need to talk about what happened and what we have to do from now on. We can do that later, when you’re rested and clean, but for now why don’t we make a deal? You promise you’ll tell me whenever you’re feeling neglected, or needing a bit of extra love, and I promise I’ll always do my absolute best to try and make it better. Deal?”

As the overwhelming emotions wore off, Jane felt her face burning in shame. God, she was the stupidest, most horrible person in the world. She did so many bad things, she begged for Catherine’s attention in such awful way, she was so so selfish-

“Hey!” Catalina could see Jane growing tenser and did her best to stop the intrusive thoughts that just didn’t seem to leave her alone. “I don’t want you feeling guilty, okay love? You did your best and I should have been more aware, knowing how much you liked me even when we had just come back.”

That seemed to relax the blonde, who nodded her head and was looking sleppier by the minute, but Catherine still signed, indicating that the conversation was not over.

“Unfortunately, we still have to talk about the jealousy thing.” Jane winced at that, embarrassed by her foolish feelings. “It will not go away all at once, but we can work together as a _family_ to help you see that we’re all here for you.” 

“You’re not gonna tell them, are you?” The way Jane asked with her head down, the hopelessness in her voice, like she desperately wished that the answer was ‘no’, but wouldn’t be able to do anything if it wasn’t - it broke Catherine’s heart. How could she not have realized Jane’s fragility sooner? 

“Well, I think they already know something is up, since they haven’t come back here. They must have heard you screaming at me or something.” The oldest said it in an attempt to lighten the mood, but instead made Jane flinch with guilt and shame. “Hey, it’s okay. We won't tell them everything, just enough for them to understand that you’re going through some things, and need to be shown extra love right now. We all need to be on the same page so you won’t fall back on bad habits again, and so that we can help you, but no, we won’t tell them the whole truth.”

Jane nodded hesitantly, fighting to keep her eyes open.

“Alright, you are very tired, mija. Go take a shower and brush your teeth, okay?” Catherine helped the blonde up, receiving another tired nod. She kissed her forehead, before turning to leave and give Jane some privacy. “Things will be so much better from now on, mija. I promise.”

And Catalina _always_ kept her promises. Things really were better - not only for Jane, but for all of them.

Catherine discovered she and Jane could have a wonderful relationship once the youngest found a place in her heart. When Jane had cooled down from her hero worship, the two were able to be friends on more normal terms. 

It was hard for Jane to find her role in Catherine’s life. She wasn’t exactly a daughter figure like Kitty, but not a drinking buddy like Anna, either. Maybe somewhere between Anne and Cathy. 

  
She liked that quite a lot.

It was also hard to drop the constant need to please and be perfect, the feeling that being loved wasn’t enough, that she needed to be the _most important_ one. ‘Emotional scars from her past life and her marriage with Henry’ was what her therapist said. Whatever it was, Jane was working to improve. It wasn’t easy, and recovery wasn’t linear, but when she had a bad day and slipped back into bad habits, she had a family who understood and had her back. That got better, too - her relationship with the others. It was easier when she started to see them as they were. They weren’t rivals for Aragon’s affection, rather people who genuinely liked and cared for her too, and who she should be grateful for. They were a _family._

Jane was finally somewhere where she was _enough,_ and exactly the way she was. She didn’t need to obey and serve anymore. She had a family and she could finally _rest._

**Author's Note:**

> As always, comments are welcomed.


End file.
